Feb. 28, 2005--Ú-chebin Estel anim.

The light has gone out of my life.

pondered at 6:42pm Monday

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Feb. 27, 2005--and the hits just keep on comin'

I need an emergency LOA starting March 1st for at least a week. I am moving Tuesday and will be offline for a few days till I get my utilities changed. (I can't afford this apt by myself.) If I come back sooner, I will notify you immediately.

pondered at 8:00pm Sunday

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Feb. 26, 2005--I am broken, it's over

I have no preamble for this. It might turn into one gigantic run-on sentence, but oh well, you'll have that.

It is over and done. We got to court at 8 am, there we talked to Jeremy's attorney, (through a wonderful interpeter), and a Deaf Advocate in this long beautiful room that smelled of highly polished wood. The attorney left for a while and then came back after talking to the prosecuter and the judge. The news was bleak. They would reduce the three felony 1 counts to one felony 2 count of attempted rape if Jeremy would plead guilty. This was the deal they offered Jeremy and his attorney said we had until Monday to decide if we wanted to accept it. We said we needed time to talk as a family (The Puppy Couple have been with us all the way as Christy is Jeremy's sister and Mellissa is Christy's girlfriend, though to me they are married), so yes we'd give them a decision Monday. The attorney leaves to convey this to the judge and comes back about 15 minutes later looking regretfull and saying, no we don't have until Monday, we have to accept it now or the deal is withdrawn and Jeremy would take the chance of serving 11 years in prison if convicted by a jury. The judge he got tends to hand out the maxumum sentence for each count, so he was facing 11 years. Somehow my head could not get around that thought. I had to watch my precious son realize he had to serve some jail time because he had sex with a girl he loved, and he started to weep and it shattered my heart into a million pieces and I wanted to scoop him up into my arms and scream "Don't you touch him!" but of course I could not. I could only sit there and weep myself as the light went out of my life. He became very passive and his face drained of all color and the tears just rolled down his cheeks as he sat there utterly alone and in silence. For in that terrible moment, I could not help my deaf child. Seeing that despair and fright hurt worse than the sharpest labor pang or any beating I have ever recieved. Ah, the things a mother keeps in her heart-of-hearts...
Amber was not there, she left a statement with her attorney that she wanted this matter resolved quickly (then drop the freaking charges, bitch) and agreed to the plea and would not oppose Jeremy getting out in 6 months. Because if she hadn't accepted the deal, he took his chances with getting 11 years, $15,000 in fines, court costs, etc. I asked his attorney what was his counsel and he said that Jeremy should take the deal. He explained much I won't explain here just because I am too exhausted. (I have not slept since 4:00 pm Thursday afternoon.) Jeremy has to serve a minimum of 6 months in prison, then the judge said he will not oppose a motion to obtain his release. He will be in a type of probation program called APA, (I don't even know what it stands for yet), for 4 or 5 years depending on the judges recommendation, how behaved he was in prison, etc, etc. Jeremy's attorney said it was basically a he-said she-said situation, the bad thing was Amber had 6 or 7 beers that fateful night and there was no way to prove consent or nonconsent. She was intoxicated but I don't think Jeremy realized how much. It was a 50-50 shot and the odds just seemed stacked against us. And don't tell me "equal representation under the law." Yes, the constitution grants us this right but it doesn't mean we'll get it. We are poor people who had to use a nice, decent but overworked, under paid public defender. The prosecutor did not want to waste taxpayers money by having a trial that was 50-50 lose/win. If I had had $10,000 to plunk down on some attorney's desk, you can't tell me that Jeremy wouldn't have been out of jail on bond the same day he was arrested or the next, and it wouldn't have taken 6 months to get to talk to his attorney. Do you think we would have taken the deal? With a healthy retainer and the promise of more funds, I'm sure Jeremy's attorney would have demanded we could have the weekend to decide. It all comes down to how much money you have for how much service you get from the legal and medical professions. We have none. If Mellissa's brother hadn't co-signed the bond and gauranteed the last $20,000 of it, Jeremy would still be in jail.
He didn't have to go to jail yesterday, they've delayed sentencing until April 28, then he will serve the time either in Columbus or Warren, where there are facilities for the deaf prisoners and they are kept out of the general population. (Dare I hope it will be so?)

I'm at home now, I am shell shocked and defeated and I just can't blog anymore.

Ónen i-Estel Luinëcollo.
I gave Hope to Jeremy.
Ú-chebin Estel anim.
I have kept no hope for myself.

Oh my precious sweet gentle son...

Littlest One

My precious little boy,
who brings me pain and joy.
Who shares with me a place.
A different sort of space.

With childish wonder he takes life in.
And in his impish little grin
I see the insect on the ground,
I watch the T.V. with no sound.
I talk to him with my hands,
he looks up and he understands.

He is my son, you see.
His name is Jeremy.
He's not like you and me.
For him the wind blows quietly.
Waves crash in silence on the shore.
There is no slamming of the door.
The popcorn pops soundlessly.

You see, he's not like you and me.
He is my son, my Jeremy.
And he is deaf.

Paulina Bishop--1986--written when I found out he was deaf at 2 1/2 years of age.

pondered at 6:55pm Saturday

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Feb. 24, 2005--no more delays

Omg kittens, I'm a nervous wreck. Tomorrow it all starts. Please keep us in your thoughts especially if you are awake at 8:30 am! I doubt I'll get any sleep tonight...

In other news, some idiot posted a porn link in almost ALL my guestbooks even my family safe site ones. Why would you post porn on a site that clearly and proudly states it is family/kid safe? To be a debased jerk? To corrupt children's innocence? It's beyond me how some people think. Or don't. Oy.

pondered at 9:40pm Thursday

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Feb. 22, 2005--what doesn't kill me...

The start of the trial has been changed to Friday 8:30am. Give me strength!

pondered at 8:38pm Tuesday

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Feb. 21, 2005--and the countdown begins...

The trial begins Thursday at 11:30am. Jeremy and I are on pins and needles. I think this trial might cure me of my interest in true crime. *shakes head ruefully*

pondered at 3:22am Monday

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Feb. 16, 2005--oy

Hello kittens. Okay, so the pre-trial hearing has been pushed back one day, to Thursday Feb. 24 at 11:30. Oy, my nerves. I also got a note on the door today from the landlady saying the rent is overdue. WTF??? She has a little drop box thingie on her front porch where she has me drop of the rent every month. I always put a check in an envelope and leave it in there, though I'm not crazy about the arraingment for just this reason. Where is my rent check? Since I don't have a phone, I have to walk to the bank tomorrow, see if it's been cashed and by whom and then go see my landlady to straighten this out. Somedays it's hard to walk in the cold, especially when it's in the teens. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. It seems like every little thing is irritating me and I can't stop feeling anxious. I have no appetite, can't sleep even more than usual and I'm so jumpy it's not funny. It's just stress, right? Gad, my friend forgot to pick us up for my food stamp appointment, so I have no food stamps until I can get up to Youngstown...<chants> this too shall pass. </chant> I feel so overwhelmed. The 24th is next Thursday...

pondered at 12:00am Thursday

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Feb. 12, 2005--wow

All the red states are the states I've visited and/or lived in. I didn't realize there were so many!


create your own visited states map

pondered at 10:55pm Saturday

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Feb. 11, 2005--"You see Mr. Frodo. Some luck at last."

I actually met the attorney. *gasp* I have copies of all the evidence. I know Amber's name, rank and serial number. I know exactly what my son is accused of. I have a copy of the video tape of everyone's police interviews. My opinion is the interpeters can't keep up with the deaf and expect them to understand things like a hearing person would. You see, the deaf don't all sign the same. Each has his/her own way of signing just as we hearing have voice inflections and pitch. They also have different levels of understanding. I don't have much confidence in the interpeters at this point.

I am highly impressed with the lawyer, Mr. Dimartino, he's been doing this for 17 years, cares about justice and will work his butt off for my son because he believes in his innocence. Thank God! This is my blog so I can say this; watching those 2 kids on video tape lie about my son was tough, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stonger. All I can hope is the jury sees what I and the attorney see.

A trial. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd be involved with a criminal trial. I've watched Court TV forever as an outsider, and now I will be living it. At least now though, I have some hope. And mothers never forget an injustice to their young. Never.

pondered at 10:03pm Friday

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Feb. 9, 2005--give me strength

The attorney canceled again! Until tomorrow. As Sean Connery said in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, "This is intolerable!" What doesn't make me stronger will surely drive me crazy!!!

It's not that I don't understand that things come up, they do. But throughout this whole mess, how many times have we been canceled on? How many trips did I make to the jail to see Jeremy only to be told "You're not on the list, you can't see him." "The elevators are broken, no visiting today." Now his attorney has canceled 3 times. The pre-trial is Feb.23, I'm not sure I even know what that is. I was hoping to talk to Jeremy's lawyer and find out! I am steaming. <chants> I can't be upset with the world and I can't make people care. That's just the way it is. </chant> So we will try again tomorrow.

Thank God for blogging.

pondered at 6:45pm Wednesday

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Feb. 4, 2005--guess what

Didn't get to see Jeremy's attorney, he canceled until Wed. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In other worlds:

Today in Middle-earth — February 4, T.A. 3019Continuing their long rest in Caras Galadhon, the Fellowship finds renewed strength in body and mind.

I'm listening to the haunting Lothlorien mp3 and it is just too beautiful for words. I found a pic of Legolas yesterday that really captured the magic of LOTR. It's from the FOTR EE and it's gorgeous! Here it is greatly scaled down and made into a banner:



For me, that picture (which is in full size glory on my desktop) captures the magic of LOTR. I finally see why people are in love with the Elves. lol

from FOTR

LEGOLAS --A lament for Gandalf.

MERRY --What do they say about him?

LEGOLAS --I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.

ELVES
Tirien i Romenori (to guard the lands of the East…)
Maiarion i Oiosaila… (wisest of all Maiar…)
Mana elye etevanne… (what drove you to leave…)
Norie i melanelye? (that which you loved?)

pondered at 11:35pm Friday

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Feb. 3, 2005--oy vey

Life is about to get interesting. We go see Jeremy's lawyer tomorrow. The trial starts Feb.23. Sleep? Who needs sleep?

pondered at 10:15pm Thursday

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