Jan 29, 2006 -this & that

I needed a change, thus a new layout. Even though I've given up on every having a sweetie again, I thought this was cute and keeping with Valentine's Day next month. Maybe looking at it will lift this depression. At least I'm feeling better.

I got online yesterday and caught up on all my true crime blogs and it was very disheartening to read of so much murder and mayhem. So many precious children and young mothers being murdered. Why? I don't know. I wish I did. I would gladly give my life (and have the added bonus of getting off this crazy planet) if it would make all the madness stop. I read of women truly raped and vicitimized...and then I come back to Jeremy's situation. I will never fathom how a girl could be so cruel as to accuse a man of rape just because she didn't want to date him anymore or was mad at him or whatever. I guess she doesn't care that she's stigmatized him forever. In March it will be 2 years of his life she has ruined. 2 years. He's very depressed and so am I. I cut my hair and noticed many grey hairs that were not there a year or so ago. I found a quote from Theodore Roosevelt which sums me up perfectly:

"For better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

I have become a recluse who trusts no one. It's very lonely yet it keeps me from being hurt. It's not a way to live but it's the only way I feel semi safe. The Puppy Couple and my friend Sheila are the only people who visit me once in a while. How did it come to this? I used to like people and I've always been friendly and cheerful with many friends. Not anymore. Life has soundly kicked my ass and I'm bruised and broken. I know Jeremy will come home broken and changed, I can tell by his letters. As much as I want him home, I'm dreading all that will entail. Will the police come to the house to check on him? I have the nosiest busybody neighbor downstairs who would love to have some juicy gossip to share with the neighborhood. I generally avoid her as she asks too many questions I don't want to answer. She doesn't know about Jeremy and never will if I can help it. But she always opens her door when I get the mail or venture out and she always has to see who's ringing my doorbell. I've taken to checking my mail at 2am to avoid her. So I imagine if the police came to the house, she would be dying to ask questions and probably would. But even if she ends up knowing nothing, she will gossip about it to my landlady who lives one house down from me or my neighbors on either side. She knows everyone in this small town including the police. It makes me want to move away and hide in the country somewhere. (But then I would lose my cable connection. Ah well, it's always something.) I guess I'll handle it all when the time comes. *sigh* Someone asked me once what my main goal in life is. My answer was to get through it. At this point that's all I have strength enough for. I miss my son with all my heart and soul. But it doesn't seem to matter. Our legal system is flawed and if you are poor and on disability, it's even worse. As you can tell I'm the worse for wear as is my son. There is nothing I nor he can do about it which makes it all even more distressing. I give, I capitulate, I'm done. Sorry for the pity party kittens. Have a good week.

Paulina pondered at 3:34pm Sunday

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Jan 24, 2006 -oy vey

Blast this cold. It won't go away! I feel like a stuffed cannoli. I did hear from Jeremy. His attorney didn't file the papers, Jeremy and a prison advocate did! The man is worthless. I know public defenders are under paid and all, but what about equal representation of the poor? HA! I have no faith in anyone anymore. Except myself. It's sad that I seem to be the only one I can count on in my life to try and do the right thing. But you'll have that.

I am going back to bed as my sinuses are throbbing. As soon as I feel better I will visit everyone and catch up on everything else. Westu hál!

Paulina pondered at 10:44am Tuesday

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Jan 10, 2006 -saints be praised!

At long last Jeremy's lawyer filed the papers for his release on Jan. 6, last Friday. I feel like a little of this burden has been lifted from my shoulders and Jeremy's. He's been in over 8 months now, and very anxious to come home. Now we must wait as the paperwork crawls through the court system, but at least it's in there. Dare I get my hopes up? Time will tell. Right now I feel guarded anticipation and a smidgen of hope. I will keep you posted kittens.

Paulina pondered at 12:10am Tuesday

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Jan 07, 2006 -now what?

I really dislike godaddy.com. I bought space at Icicle Drop Web Hosting and tried to transfer this domain to my new server. I received this email from godaddy.com:

Dear Paulina Bishop,

The transfer of KIEBEN.COM from GoDaddy.com to another registrar could not be completed for the following reason(s):

Express written objection to the transfer from the Transfer Contact. (e.g. - email, fax, paper document or other processes by which the Transfer Contact has expressly and voluntarily objected through opt-in means).

If you believe that this domain name does not fit the situation described above, please contact us at http://www.godaddy.com/gdshop/support.asp for assistance.

Regards,
Domain Services
GoDaddy.com

What the hell does that mean? Why? It's paid for. I went to the HELP page and they want me to call them. I will when I can get to a phone as I don't have one. This is so frustrating.

I'm so worried about Jeremy. He hasn't written in a month. He always answers my letters, this is unusual. Maybe he is spending his postage on his attorney. I'm going to write him again and ask him to please let me know if he's ok. I hope and pray he is. Gad, I hate stress!

Paulina pondered at 10:10pm Saturday

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Jan 03, 2006 - peace at last

Gad! I can't believe how stressful it is to have a domain offline! Especially my main one. heart-stricken.net is my hub of operations so to speak, (and was my first domain), but most of my site's html is on this domain kieben.com. I am constantly updating and maintaining my sites, so not having them there is very stressful. I work on them on my hard drive but I need to have them interactive. Anyway, let's see if I go over my bandwidth allotement this month. I took down 3 sites but space is not my problem, bandwidth is. *sigh* Have a good night kittens.

Eye Candy

Paulina pondered at 7:00pm Tuesday

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Jan 01, 2006 - I'm back online >_<

I am living proof that what doesn't kill you, makes you crazy. Or stronger. Or something.

Paulina pondered at 10:50pm Sunday

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