July 31, 2004--despair is my bane

Oh my. Oh well. *sigh* I didn't get to see Jeremy. I called at 9am sharp like they said I had to and they told me P Pod (where Jeremy is) didn't send down the visitors list last night so they didn't have it. Call back at 9:30am. I did. They told me to be there at 10am. It takes 50 minutes to get to Youngstown from Christy's house, where I'm house sitting. I was not a law abiding citizen and broke some speed laws to get there but I was 20 minutes late and they said too bad, no visit. I protested to no avail. My heart plummeted to my knees and I felt completely beaten down. I left and came to my house to my blog. Nothing is going right, my karma is way off, some god is mad at me or something and I feel utterly defeated. I haven't seen my precious son for 2 weeks and he's locked up in that place. Oh, there's more. Where I'm house-sitting, the water has been shut off until Monday. There is a leak. So no water for the animals. I bring them here then go to the ATM across the street. The ATM won't give me $20 lousy dollars and takes my card. I don't use it very often and every once in a while it takes my card and I have to go into the bank to get it back. Which I can't do until Monday. I have money in the bank, but can't get to it. I can't get to my son. I can't get a hold of Christy in California. I can't get my hosting without my card. My life is one big CAN'T right now.
I am back at the bottom of my chasm, broken and hiding in the dark.

pondered at 12:32 pm Saturday

10:35pm--Frak! Damn it! I went back to Christy's house to get the dogs and I got stopped by a cop because Mellissa's car has a headlight out! It's my first ticket in my whole miserable life!!! I don't know how much more I can take. Oy vey.

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July 29, 2004--same old same old

I found out yesterday someone went to see Jeremy Tuesday. I don't know who it was but since Jeremy is only allowed one visitor, I couldn't see him. grrrrrr Fine. I will be there early on Saturday morning and if someone else shows up, I'm going to have to tell them it's my turn!

Bad news. Charlie only got $1000 towards bail, so I can't get Jeremy out on the 1st like I had hoped. I got so depressed when I found this out yesterday I just cried. (Again.) My poor boy. He must be so miserable. I think we get paid tomorrow but I will only have maybe $200 left after paying the bills. It's hard asking friends for help, but I guess I'll have to. Since most of his friends are deaf, they get SSI too and don't have much money either. Oy. I must think of something! The Puppy Couple will be back from their vacation on August 2, I'm hoping we can brainstorm and come up with something. I sent a brief letter to Jeremy's dad's old address, I hope it's forwarded and he gets it, but I'm not getting my hopes up, they've been dashed too much already. I will not give up but it's hard as we haven't got a break since this happened. As always I will keep you guys posted as I find out anything new. Right now, I'm just hoping to see him Saturday. Keep your fingers and toes crossed! xoxoxo

pondered at 1:27 pm Thursday

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July 28, 2004--what a week

Greetings. Nothing has changed, life still sucks. I am ready to call my local newspaper and talk to a reporter.

Don't forget to change the addy of this site to:
http://www.kieben.com
As soon as I am done house-sitting on August 2 I will be purchasing space somewhere. If anyone wants to recommend reliable, reasonably priced hosting, please do! I have one good lead at http://www.rpages.net/ but would like to shop around. Thanks again for all the encouragement, you guys rock so much!!!

pondered at 4:22 pm Wednesday

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July 26, 2004--frak and f*ck!!!!!!!

Damn it all to hell anyway! Now I'm losing my hosting? At the end of this week? What next? WHAT? I'm already at my wits end dealing with uncooperative police and now my site will be gone?!? If anyone makes it to this new addy please change your links and blogrolls to
http://www.kieben.com
I will have to move the Playground which is huge and my other 3 sites when I come back home. I am so stupid. Daniel owns my domain and was hosting me, but I guess no more. I wish he had given me more notice, damn it. I knew I should have gotten everything in my name. Now I'm screwed. This is not helping my state of mind!!! Does anybody care???!!!

Jeremy is still in jail. I haven't seen him and I guess I won't till Saturday. The police refuse to tell him that he needs to put me on his visitors list. They said "we can't relay any phone messages to prisoners." I said this is not a message, he's deaf, he needs things explained to him. They told me to write him a letter and I have to explain visiting to him! Do you believe this crap? If he was hearing they would've explained it! I am so mad I can't see straight. I wrote him a long letter but I am still fuming. I hope and pray I can see him Saturday. His attorney won't be back until next week. God, give me strength!!!!!!

3:00 pm --Despair has overtaken me. I am in an enormous chasm and can't get out.

pondered at 1:52 pm Monday

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July 24, 2004--oy freaking vey

Things are getting crazier by the day. Oy. First I want to give my heartfelt thanks to all of you for your comments and good wishes, you guys rock in so many ways!!! You are helping me stay strong. I may wobble when I'm by myself, but knowing you guys cares means the world to me.

Where do I start? I've been at the Puppy Couple's house using the phone like a crazy person. The police haven't told Jeremy I've even called. *expletive* Today was visiting day but I couldn't see Jeremy. They say he didn't put me on his list. I asked "Did someone explain this to him? He's deaf." They said they didn't know. I called every 10 minutes this morning between 8 and 9 am trying to find out if I could see him, they drove me nuts telling me to call back in 10 minutes. I kept calling faithfully every 10 freaking minutes and got transfered to several different cops who all said they knew nothing. The only thing they seemed certain about was that I couldn't see Jeremy. I came back to my house and found a letter in the mail from him. It broke my heart all over again.

Here it is in part. His syntax isn't great but this is how he writes.
"Dear Mom, How are you mom? I'm suffer and upset. I never rape Amber 2 times. I stay with you all the time. I want Amber to leave me alone and stop report on me for fake rape. And I was a bit cry and I can't stand it. Many police treat me mean all times. They laughed at me cause of my red hair. They think that I'm faggot clown.
I have a meeting with my lawyer next week. I think on Aug.4th I going to the court. Last Tuesday I went to court. I really want to get out of the jail. Please help me to get out of the jail. If Christy and Mellissa will help me too. I hate to stay in jail forever, so please please help me!!!
If you want write me back. Talk to you later. Remember, please get me out of the stupid jail. I'm serious, ok! Love you, Jeremy."

There was a little more, he asked me to feed his baby python and some notes on visiting. He didn't mention a list, so I don't think he knows about it. Why are they being mean to him? Because he can't speak? I have so much to talk to his attorney about when he gets back from the funeral. It's hurry up and wait. I am so frustrated I could scream. I am writing everything down that is happening so it stays fresh in my mind. Charlie, an older gentleman friend who is deaf is going to help with bail. He has a very nice fancy truck he said he would put up as a surety for the rest of the bond. I was so overwhelmed by his kindness I was speechless. This mess is reminding me there are still good people in this world. I wrote Jeremy a long letter back, I hope he gets it before Tuesday. If not, I will keep calling the jail to see him until they get sick of me. It sounds to me like the police are violating the American with Disabilities Act in this case. They aren't telling him I'm calling and they aren't providing him with a TTY (the phone device deaf people use to call others.) and I can't believe they are making fun of him. He can read lips and it must really hurt him to be called a "faggot clown". WTF?!? I'm trying so hard to stay calm and strong but this is a bit much. I just watched a program on A&E Wednesday about the corruption in Youngstown, Ohio. Infiltration of the mob, crooked civic leaders and bad cops. It really opened my eyes. Why did Jeremy have to be charged in this county? He's had no breaks since this happened. I think if his lawyer were here things would be vastly different. I would like to think so.

If I don't make it to your site if you commented please know I still appreciate each and every thought, prayer or kind word. I really think my son is innocent. If he had stolen a car or ripped someone off, it'd be different. I would tell him he did wrong and he has to pay the price. But I live with him and I've obviously known him all his life and he's never been violent or in trouble. He was never in trouble in school either. He's not perfect or a saint, but he's definately NOT a rapist!! Damn it, will someone listen to me and his friends? Gad, I'm so tired and nauseous. I just keep chanting to myself "I must be strong, I must be strong." I think about Jeremy all the time, even when I'm not talking about him. I miss him so much. I'm even dreaming about him. God, please make this nightmare go away and please be with my precious son. I'll update during the week if anything changes. Bless you all so much! *hugs kisses and thanks you all*

pondered at 4:40 pm Saturday

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July 19, 2004--update

Oy vey. Jeremy's arraingnment was yesterday (Tuesday). Nobody told us. He entered a not guilty plea and he was assigned a public defender who can sign. But the Lawyer's father just died so he will be gone for 2 weeks. Oy. I found the girl who was at the party and she told me what happened. I didn't tell her what Jeremy told me until after I heard her version of events. It closely matches what Jeremy told me. His bail was set at $50,000. Oh dear lord. I'm on SSI, have no car or property and I need a minimum of $3,000 to get him home. I can't find his dad who moved to Nashville with no forwarding address. I searched online and couldn't find anything, but I don't know how to find someone's email address. There is no phone listing for his dad anywhere in Tennessee. Oy.

I don't understand how the police could do an investigation without talking to everyone at the party. I am usually a big advocate of law inforcement, but the deputy I talked to was very ignorant. He said it wasn't their fault that Jeremy is deaf and can't call us. !?! I have to call Saturday morning at 8 am to get on his list to go see him. I can't believe they didn't tell us he went to court yesterday! I've been calling twice a day, they could've told me so I could be there for moral support. I don't even think they told him I've been calling. There is no interpeter at the jail full time, so unless they write it down, he knows nothing. I was consoling myself by thinking I would talk to his attorney, but he's gone for 2 weeks. I have a headache and can't eat or sleep, but who cares? Jeremy is more important, this is all about him. What I'm going through is nothing compared to how he must feel. My poor gentle caring son. My heart aches for him.

His friends should be here sometime today, I'm just waiting for them to get here. I'm exhausted, I need to go rest. More updates as I find out something.

Jeremy's friends just left. Bless their precious hearts. Courtney, who was at the party, said she will testfy as to what happened. The boy who hosted the party is on probation for assault. There was underage drinking so he's scared he will go to jail. Excuse me, but it's not fair for my son to go to jail just so this guy can stay out. I got his AIM name from a friend so I could talk to him and he was mad at me. He has known Jeremy since they were 4 years old, but he's testifying against Jeremy. He's afraid he's violated his probation and he lives above his parents who are not *cough* reasonable people. Amber's best friend is sticking by her and I can understand that. That's what best friends are for. But this really hurts me since I considered this boy to almost be part of the family. He told me he won't talk to me, so fine. Whatever. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but I have no parents to lean on and I feel so alone. I wish my mom was here to give me a hug and tell me it'll be okay even if it won't. My heart and head ache. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I took my Remeron but it didn't even faze me. I beg you guys to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please? Please let something good happen soon. Please?

pondered at 6:27 pm Wednesday

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July 19, 2004--omg & the truth will out

Hello kittens. I have something to tell you. Something I've never mentioned online in 6 years because I was asked to keep my personal "real" life off the net. But the time has come to just come clean with everything and let the chips fall where they may. I need my friends right now. Badly.
You know I talk about my deaf roommate Jeremy. Well, he's really my 20 year old son. Yes, son. He had asked me not to tell people so I never did. But something awful has happened and I'm stunned.

5 months ago, Jeremy was seeing a beautiful girl named Amber. He was smitten with this girl so I met her and they dated for about 2 months. But she wanted her old boyfriend back, so she told him she was pregnant by this boy, so they broke up. He was still carrying a torch for her, however so they were still friends. She then told him she had a miscarriage (she's 18) and she started to come around again. Jeremy wanted to take her to her senior prom, but she was already going with the other boy. The weekend of Prom, that boy broke up with her and she didn't go to the prom, she came and saw Jeremy. She was all over him and he was radiant thinking they could get back together. Well, they went to a party, both drank and then they had unprotected sex. He came home that Sunday and then she went and filed rape charges against him on Monday. A friend IM'd Jeremy cuz it was in the Youngstown paper.
We called the police and they said we had to go up there and give a statement. We did. I had already asked Jeremy what happened and he told me. (I even checked his body for bruises or scratches and there were none.) He tells me a lot of his thoughts, feelings and such and I believe his story. I told him to tell the police the truth and he did. He was scared to death. The police said they would get back to us.
That was 4 months ago. We never heard from them again. This morning around 11:25 am a man knocked at the kitchen door. He was wearing gray coveralls with a "Columbia" patch on the pocket and a hard hat. He had a clip board and asked me if we had noticed any power surges, he said 2 or 3 houses were having problems. I turned and signed to Jeremy who was in the living room on the computer and asked if he was having any problems. I told the guy no, and thought, "He's with the power company? But that's Ohio Edison, Columbia is the gas company." I closed the door. I came into the living room to explain more to Jeremy and then there was another knock. I opened the door to the same guy who asked if we were apt A or B. I said B and was about to ask for ID, when 5 sherriff deputies came running up the steps, task force vests on and with guns. Jeremy had come to the door to see what was going on. One cop grabbed his arm and pulled him outside and said "Jeremy, come out here and talk to me." I said, "He"s deaf, he can't talk." They proceeded to cuff him. I asked what is going on and the cop said "We have a warrant." I gasped "for what?" and he said "rape." They hustled Jeremy down the stairs and then frisked him on the lawn, laughing the whole time. Jeremy looked up bewildered and I signed "rape!" And then I signed "Amber!" He was already white as a ghost and then he looked terrified. He couldn't sign cuz his hands were cuffed behind him. I called down from my balcony (I was in my nightgown) "Where are you taking him?" The cop said "Mahoning I think." You think??? I said "You have to get him an interpeter." It's the law. He's deaf. The cop asked if he could read lips, I said a little. Then he asked if Jeremy could read and write and I said "yes, but he needs an interpeter." They piled into 2 black cars and were gone. I never saw a warrant, they didn't read him his rights in front of me and who the hell was the so-called "power company guy"? He just disappeared when the cops came running up. It happened so fast.
I got online and used MCI IPRelay to call the Puppy Couple. Mellissa came and picked me up about 12:30 and I went over to their house to call the jail and find out what was going on. They told us nothing and said call back in a couple of days and we could only see Jeremy if he put us on his visitors list. Is someone going to tell Jeremy that? I called the Deaf Club in Youngstown, but they said they could only help with interpeting but the jail hadn't called them yet. As of 3pm Jeremy was still alone in a holding cell and still not booked.

I am reeling. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Jeremy, his ex girlfiends still love him and come and see him and talk to him online. I can't tell you how many moms have told me they love him and think he's a good kid. I have heard nothing good about Amber at all, but I don't know her and can't judge her. But she told Jeremy's best friend's girlfriend that she only wanted Jeremy to leave her alone cuz she didn't want to date him. I know it's hearsay, but I'm going to talk to this girl and see if she remembers telling me that. His deaf friends all know and are rallying to his side. A bunch are coming over tonight and we are trying to figure out how to make bail if the court assigns it.

This is terribly hard for me. I send emails to legislatures to get laws passed to protect women and children against serial predators. I watch Court TV everyday. Suddenly it's intruded into my real life, my son is charged with 2 counts of rape (2 counts?!) and 1 count of gross sexual something. I read and watch enough crime tv to know that the D.A. has to think he has probable cause to make an arrest, so I'm wondering what evidence do they have? What did Amber tell them??? Jeremy won't have a lawyer until he appears before the court. We called an attorney today, but he never called us back. We can do nothing until his arraignment which I'm praying is this week. I can't stop crying but I will be in that court room if I have to walk! All his friends say Jeremy is very gentle and has never hurt anyone. He's never been in trouble! Never! He's always home with me and hasn't been on a date for 5 months. His friends think this is terrible and some will testify on his behalf if necessary. Bless them all.
So there it is. Our lives are in shambles, I'm stunned and upset and I can't imagine how Jeremy is feeling. Alone. With no one to talk to. And branded a rapist. Omg, the world has become a very dark place and we have descended into a nightmare. I have to go, I'm crying too hard to type.

pondered at 8:48 pm Monday

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